Stuff I worry about

Not feeling I am/will make as much money as I like to. I know it's the kind of thing North Americans talk about: it's not cool to be too concerned about money. But I have to be honest — I feel it, it's there. I feel anxiety about current and future earnings.

I am a little afraid of my own force of will. Feeling mentally drained and weak. Neither feeling fully able to stand by myself or stand together with other people. Like under a cloud.

Not sure if I will ever do anything I can be proud of. I was one of those library kids: my mom used to take me to the library and i'd take back 6-7 books. Writng has always been a big deal for me. Not sure if I can ever give back all that I have taken in this life from everyone elses books. Have not written stuff of worth in 6 months. Going desperate. Anxiety making me sleepy.

Still reading Ethical Slut. Like it very much. But. Not sure if lifestyle described is for me. Don't really like sex that much. (Which in itself is a worry for me.) But do not feel monogamy is right either. Nor longterm onanism. Thinking about what to do with rest of sexual life. Worried.

Still thinking about Macau. Many things makes it not worthwhile to go. But. There are lots of advantages. Just concerned whether I am making decision impartially. Or, whether I am just pushing myself because I am feeling that the air is leaking from my life here. Am I deluding myself to go because of some form of mental escapism? I don't need to making the right decision, I just want be sure that I don't mind-fuck myself into things.

Anywho these are the stuff I worry about.


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